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28.9.14

Brain Dump - Living

To be or not to be, what a question!
Whether tis nobler to hold strong and stay on,
Enduring all that comes, what may,
Else dashing it all, our skulls on a rock,
Life blood draining in an open ocean.
Methinks it a better question to say
"Who lives? Who lives what may?"
For any man can die today, but a few
Will say they lived for a single stay.
Come now brothers! What a depress'd bunch
We be. Sing and be sung, laugh
And stamp
And dance
And cry
And shout,
And just for one moment be able to say
"I let it out!"
Else hold the bottle, let nothing out,
Till pressure crush, and crush, and crush,
Squeezing our essence out.
This life can be a noose
A trap
A chinese fingerhold.
Strain and strain and strain until purple and old,
But never break free.
Else loosen thy grip, one two free,
And escape into the morning, for all to see.
One step, two step, three step, four
Tonight we tango, tomorrow nevermore.
Our breath is fleeting
Our minds a wreck
Our brains misleading
Our life unchecked.
So answer the question, Who lives what may?
And answer yourself: Was I alive today?

26.9.14

Literary Hangover - Monkeypunch

Monkeys.
The first word that pops into my head.
Playful creatures, I've been told, though I've only seen a few.
My brother got punched by a monkey, once. It was a spindly creature, with long asparagus arms and a sweet potato body covered in short, dark hair that I imagine is very bristly to touch, although I've never touched one to my memory.
We were in Mexico, and a very ghetto zoo (simultaneously). The day was bright and cloudless, the sky infinitely blue, an ocean with no waves. The tiles beneath our feet were cracked and covered with lichen. The entire zoo complex had the appearance of an abandoned, overgrown tropical garden, where the jungle had just begun to move back in after claiming residence. Many animals weren't even in cages, like the monkeys.
My brother - a white headed, four-foot-nothing rascal - saw a momma monkey with her little fuzzball baby clinging to her back, arms like little toothpicks poked into a handful of cotton. He desperately wanted to pe the baby monkey. Throughout our meanderings in this dilapidated place, he would quietly slip away and scan the area for the baby monkey. Due to the slight size of this flora-infested "zoo" (comparative to the size of Zoos we were accustomed to), he rarely had any issues.
The baby monkey was before him, a tantalizing ball of exotic adorableness and imagined softness. Brother's little white fingers - up, up, up, now towards the baby, ever so slowly... - and WHAMMO. The momma monkey, fed up with running away from this little miscreant all, punches my brother in the nose and scampers for higher ground, shrieking gayly, a sound not unlike laughter.
In amused and then breathless silence, we all witnessed this exchange, and for some reason not a man or woman said a thing. We just watched as my little brother pivoted on his heel to face us. His face exhibited no fear, no pain, no tears, only a glazed expression of utter shock.
"Boy," he states with a growing grin, "I'm sure not doing THAT again!"
No tears were shed from the monkey punch, but no one could help crying from the laughter that ensued.
 (The above kind of spider monkey, not the below.)
(Lord knows I loved spy kids, though.)

21.9.14

Remembrance/Brain Dump - Lying Honesty

I'm trying to remember one of the most fantastic quotes that I have ever discovered in my entire life.
I know it came from the book Ender in Exile, by Orson Scott Card. I also know a general paraphrase of the quote, although I wish I had the actual words. It goes something along these lines:
"Peter told me that he discovered that if a bad person spent his entire life actively pretending to be a good person, then when his days were almost over he could look back and discover that he was entirely indistinguishable from a good person. Relentless hypocrisy had become truth." ~Ender
I absolutely love this quote. I love the thought that, no matter what we think we are, if we try hard enough and pretend long enough we can become whatever we choose. A friend called this lying his way into honesty. A more common aphorism in regards to this would be "fake it till you make it," although I don't feel that portrays the desire quite as strongly.
A more cynical quote that I usually display alongside this one comes from a favorite television series of mine: "I found from a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything true. So either I'm God, or truth is relative. Either way, booyah." ~Jeff Winger, Community.
I've mentioned previously that I do believe in absolute truth, something that simply is. Unchanging, timeless, resolute. But what does that make everything we've built on those truths? How much do they derive from their foundations?
I think the fact of the matter is, most truths that fall within human perception are as flexible as a willow switch. A bad person can pretend to be a good person for a long enough time that, for all intents and purposes, he is good. A crappy lawyer can talk long enough and eloquently enough that a bunch of community college misfits believe they are worth something. Every living being at some point in their lives will be faced with truths that burn to bear, and they'll be given two choices:
Accept it.
Or change it.
Changing what people view as is can be extremely difficult, Sometimes, the collective human psyche is so powerful that one can only change that truth for themselves in their own minds, but that may be all that matters in order to achieve a degree of peace, self-awareness, happiness, or resolution. Or a word that escapes my mind at the immediate moment.
Accepting painful truths can be harder still.
I knew an absolutely fantastic man back in Idaho, whose name I'll change to Robin, for the purpose of protecting identity. Robin on several occasions described to me his troubled youth, and thanked God for all the help he'd received in cleaning himself up and getting to where he is now. One of the turning points in his life occurred after an awful accident moving boxes at a warehouse. Two floors up, there was an accident with the machinery that flung Robin off the side, landing on concrete two stories later. Miraculously enough, while his feet were completely shattered, Robin's leg bones only received a few chips. Even so, despite multiple reconstructive surgeries and copious amounts of metal dumped into Robin's foot, the doctoral verdict was that Robin would never walk again.
And Robin thought Like Hell I'm not.
Shortly after being confined to a wheelchair, Robin began forcing himself to walk. It hurt a lot, both physically as well as mentally, as he and his family was forced to watch his failing attempts. Eventually, however, Robin began to move like an old man rather than a cripple. Then more akin to a child. And now, Robin can walk and run like any regular adult, and he performs very heavy labor with his two feet that would never allow him to walk again.
I'm not saying that all physical truths like that can be changed with pure force of will. Some simply can't. But less physical truths can be bent all day long.
So, like a friend once said, go lie your way into honesty. Improve something that was previously thought unchangeable.

Remembrance - Whittier

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'"

~John Greenleaf Whittier

19.9.14

Mind Dump - Gazelles

Animal beings are extremely silly.
Earlier today, I was traversing campus in a failing attempt to prevent lateness, and I found a gazelle.
Now, this wasn't a normal gazelle. He was very tall and lanky, with a strong chin and wavy blonde hair. He even wore clothes! Fantastically enough, this gazelle managed to in every way make himself appear to be a human being, down to grinding his horns small enough to be hidden by a sloppy hat, and shaving enough of his face to appear as a regular human with a beard, suggestive of malehood.
What made this gazelle particularly unusual (aside from his clearly dreadful navigation skills; how far away from home was he?) was his unique hunting tactics.
Yes, hunting.
With elongated, bounding steps, the gazelle casually pranced through a crowd of (clearly imperceptive) human beings, eyes eternally fixed on his target, but each and every action exaggerated as greatly as possible so as to, presumably, prevent any action from making any noise (in this action, he also managed to make himself look like a gigantic bird). Ever so loudly casual, he skipped, stepped, and slipped behind his target, and lept on the figure, with a loud gazelle roar and great kicking of feet. Strangely enough, rather than capitalizing on the kill, the gazelle made great barking noises similar to hyena laughter as he ran away from his perturbed victim.
Strange.
In fact, the more I look around, the more I find my campus looking like a vast, poorly maintained zoo full of animals traveling greatly afar from their respective pigeonholes, or else digging perhaps a little too deeply. Little birds chatter nonsensically on the grass and in the trees, heads jerking as they rubberneck absolutely everything. Great gorillas carry around enormous bags full of, logically, nd excessive amount of bananas, sweating terribly as they lumber from tree to tree.
And, of course, gazelles hunt lions, if for no other reason than they now can.
I think I prefer this animal campus to a regular one. If anything, these strange happenings are more normal than any situation any human could produce!

Ramblings - Eventide

(Note: NOT a final draft)


(Scene: a large, well lived-in living room, with bookshelves, family portraits, and small trophies. There is a cozy couch sized for a small family in the center of the living room, covered with blankets and pillows. In front of it rests a hard-topped ottoman. Todd, dressed in a t-shirt and pajama pants, peers through the curtains set on a window stage left. Amanda lies on the couch, completely cocooned in blankets. She wears similar attire.) 
TODD
It looks like another ice age out there, sis. We picked a rough year to house-sit for mom and dad.
AMANDA
Fretting about it won't change anything. Come wrap yourself up before you catch a cold. (Todd continues to stare out the window. After a moment, he scans the room and exits up right. Amanda sits up, and yells:) Hey! Where you goin'? (She hears some rummaging from the other room.)
TODD
(Returning, coming to the couch with a large camping lantern in hand.) I've got a bad feeling about the storm, so I grabbed Dad's lantern. (Holds it up to illustrate his point) Hopefully we won't need it, I don't know how long the charge will last.
AMANDA
(Smiling.) You big baby. Get over here. I'm cold, and you're my heater.
(Todd smiles, and Amanda takes the bait, rising to wrestle Todd onto the couch. Despite both being adults, the two are comfortable enough with each other that there's an oddly childlike nature to this play. After the two wrestle for some time, there is a loud BANG outside, followed by a large cracking sound, and a muffled WHUMPH. The lights go out. Startled, Amanda squeaks and clutches Todd, who remains collected, if a little bit nervous.) 
TODD
(After the noise subsides, harmlessly teasing.) Now who's the baby? (Pauses.) Good thing I grabbed the lantern. 
AMANDA
(Punches Todd, but remains nearby as he turns on the lantern. It leaves the room bright enough to see, but still shadowy and fairly dark.) This got sketchy fast.
TODD
It's just an outage. They happen in big storms like these.
AMANDA
And that noise?
TODD
Most likely a power line got knocked over. Nothing we can do about it. (Amanda hops back on the couch, pulling Todd with her. She wraps up in her own blanket, then cuddles against Todd.)
AMANDA
Geez, I can't believe how warm you are. (Closes her eyes.)
TODD
(Accepting it all in a brotherly fashion.) All for you, li'l sissy.
AMANDA
(Mumbling as she falls asleep.) Don't call me that.
(Todd just smiles at Amanda's comment and strokes her hair as her breathing evens. There is peace for a moment. Then, the doorbell rings. Amanda stirs, and mutters unintelligibly. Todd quietly hushes her and softly disengages. He goes to the door, stage left, and peers through the peephole. After a moment, he opens the door. Outside is a stranger in cold weather gear, all woolens. He is completely covered in snow.) 
STRANGER
Is Mr. or Mrs. MacLeery home?
TODD
No, they're both out right now. You picked the above-all worst time to come calling, stranger.
STRANGER
(Beat.) Todd, is that you?
TODD
Now how on earth do you- (Pauses. Studying the stranger's face.) Oh my gosh, Mikey?
MICHAEL
(Very tiredly.) Hey brother. (He collapses forward onto the floor.)
TODD
(Springing into action.) Amanda, wake up! (He drags Michael out of the doorway.)
AMANDA
(Stirring.) Hmm?
TODD
(Closes the door.) I need help, now!
AMANDA
(Amanda peers over the couch and starts forcefully.) No! (She runs to Todd, and together they carry Michael's unconscious figure to the couch after brushing some snow off of him.)
TODD
I'll grab mom's heated blanket. Call 911.
(Todd dashes off stage right. Amanda frantically searches her pockets for a phone, and then the living room, with rising panic. At one point she tries the house phone, but throws it down – It's dead. Amanda "Oh!"s, but continues her manic hunt. Todd rushes into the room with the blanket, and immediately turns it on and covers Michael.) 
TODD
(After the initial rush.) Thank God this thing's battery powered. (Looks at Amanda.) Where'd your phone go? Did you call already?
AMANDA
(Almost in tears.) I don't know! I can't find it! Where's yours?
TODD
It's dead. (He proceeds to vigorously rub Michael's digits and limbs.)
AMANDA
What are you doing?
TODD
You're the one with the nursing degree! If we don't warm him up, he might die!
AMANDA
(Joins Todd.) What on earth happened?
TODD
(While working.) I don't know. After you fell asleep, the doorbell rang, and I got worried. You'd have to have some heavy-duty snowmobile to get anywhere out there, but why would anyone want to risk coming here? I opened the door, and… (Todd stops rubbing, and closes his eyes.)
AMANDA
Todd?
TODD
It's Michael, sissy.
AMANDA
(Observes Michael briefly, her eyes widening. She also stops rubbing.) What? (Both freeze as Michael starts coughing weakly. Todd cups his face with both hands.)
TODD
Michael? Michael? Speak to me, Mikey!
MICHAEL
(Weakly.) Todd, it hurts… Please stop…
TODD
What hurts?
MICHAEL
(Writhing lightly.) My stomach. Guuuuhhhh…..
TODD
(Gets off of Michael. Looks at Amanda.) Tell me how I can help you.
AMANDA
What?
TODD
You're a nurse. Help him.
AMANDA
Todd! I don't practice! I don't… I can't… It was much cleaner in my textbooks than it ended up actually being!
TODD
Amanda, I think he's dying!
AMANDA
(Wavers.) Fine. Go get some gauze, and water, and… I don't know. Anything you can find. And be quick about it.
TODD
Gotcha.
(Todd dashes off stage right. Amanda takes a deep breath, and carefully begins examining Michael's body, moving with a sense of urgency. Presently, Amanda removes the blanket and what she can of Michael's upper layers without moving Michael himself. Michael moans, and occasionally his eyelids flutter, but he is primarily nonresponsive. Amanda "Oh"s softly when she finds blood on Michael's underclothes, then gasps loudly as she uncovers Michael's gut. Before her is a messy, graphic bullet wound, a gaping hole in Michael's middle. Amanda's hands flutter for a moment as she tries to think of what to do. She eventually places a small folded blanket over the wound, and covers Michael. Todd enters the room carrying armfuls of whatever he could grab.) 
TODD
Where do you want these?
AMANDA
(Distant, Amanda drifts towards Todd.) He's dead. Somebody shot him, here, and he's gonna die. (Makes hand motions toward her stomach.)
TODD
(Snapping his fingers.) Amanda, stay with me! We can still help him!
AMANDA
Noooooooo, he shouldn't be alive right now. (Starts crying.) I'm so sorry Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan't…
(Todd comforts Amanda, eyes never leaving Michael. He ushers Amanda out of the room, whispering to her, and then moves to Michael's side. He takes a peek at Michael's wound and visible stiffens. Todd then replaces the removed layers. Beat. He says:)
TODD
Michael? Michael, are you there? (He hears very soft breathing.) You stay with me Mikey, because eventually this storm is gonna break, and then I'm going to get you some help.
MICHAEL
Todd? 'S that you?
TODD
Michael!
MICHAEL
(Laughs weakly.) Oh, I made it. Thank goodness, I made it.
TODD
What happened to you?
MICHAEL
I escaped Todd. I made it. I'm home now. (Eyes open.) Are mom and dad here?
TODD
No, Michael. Sissy and I are housesitting.


MICHAEL
(Sighs.) A pity. I wanted to apologize.
TODD
For what?
MICHAEL
(Beat.) For everything, I suppose. I bet I've made them miserable for these past… Gad, I can't even remember how long it's been.
TODD
It's been over twenty years.
MICHAEL
You kept track? (Winces from pain.) 
TODD
Every day.
MICHAEL
Geez. (Beat.) I'm sorry, Todd. (Todd doesn't respond.) Todd? I'm serious, I- Ah! (Michael tries to sit up and collapses. Todd is instantly at his side.)
TODD
Don't you dare try that again.
MICHAEL
(Grabs Todd's arm.) Tell me what happened. After I left.
TODD
You're kidding me.
MICHAEL
Todd. (Stares into Todd's eyes.) Please.
TODD
(Beat.) Ok. (Thinks and paces.) I just… where do I start, Mikey? I was devastated, obviously. You almost killed mom. In fact… (Righteous fury builds for a moment, then dies. Todd turns to Michael, his voice broken.) We love you, Michael. Mom still cries over you. I still cry over you. It still hurts.
MICHAEL
(Some labored breathing.) Did it ever get better? Easier?
TODD
(Beat.) Well shoot, Mikey. Not really. I just got to the point where I had to pick up and move on or… (Beat.) Die trying, I guess.
MICHAEL
Oh…
TODD
Why do you want to know all of this, anyway?
MICHAEL
(Weakly waves the question away.) How did you move on?
TODD
I worked. (Beat.) Gad, I lost myself. Nothing filled the hole. But… eventually I learned to outweigh the bad with a lot of good.
MICHAEL
Worked on what?
TODD
School. Sports. Extracurriculars. I graduated valedictorian, secured a full-ride scholarship to… Why am I doing this?
MICHAEL
Todd!
TODD
Why am I explaining myself to you, Michael? You left, not me.
MICHAEL
Exactly.
TODD
What?
MICHAEL
(Pain.) I don't have much… breath, Todd. My story isn't… here. But I want to know.
TODD
(Beat.) I went to college, got married, and I got a solid job afterward. I started a family. Life is much better now.
MICHAEL
And Amanda.
TODD
Amanda took it a lot harder than I did. She didn't want anyone to ever lose like she did, so she became a nurse. But, to her, you were more demon than inspiration. I think she saw you in every scared, dying patient. She couldn't handle it.
MICHAEL
Oh.
TODD
She loves harder than we do, Michael.
MICHAEL
Was I your demon, too, Todd?
TODD
Not as directly. I had a hard time letting anyone go. I was afraid they'd never come back.
MICHAEL
(Beat.) Tell me (pain) about your family.
TODD
(Smiles.) My wife's name is Amber. She has green eyes and brown hair, and her freckles looked like little specks of confetti on her skin in her wedding dress. We have a little girl. She's three, now. She has two brothers on the way. (Chokes.) I'm never, never letting them go. Never.
MICHAEL
(Crying.) Oh Todd, what have I done? (Todd doesn't know what to say.) I've lost… I've lost so much. What you have… I could… Ah! One mistake! (Convulses.)
TODD
Michael, Michael! (His hands flutter over Michael's figure, unsure of what to do.) Mikey, please!
MICHAEL
(The pain burst forth.) It hurts! It hurts! Ah, Todd, what have I lost! Aaaaah! (Still convulsing.)
TODD
No, Mikey, no! (Amanda slowly enters the room. Todd notices her.) Amanda, please! Help me!
(Amanda is frozen for a few moments, as if blanking out again. Then, a steely resolve enters her eyes. Amanda rushes to Michael's side, shooing Todd out of the way. Todd remains nearby as Amanda whispers comforting words while placing pillows under Michael's head and removing anything hard nearby that he could hit. She looks at Todd.) 
AMANDA
That's all we can do. Now we wait.


MICHAEL
(Convulsions slow and die after Amanda finishes speaking, and for a moment only ragged breathing is heard. Then:) It's close now. Please, stay with me. (Todd and Amanda move closer to Michael.) Thank you. I thought- (Pain.) I was afraid I could never come back. (Todd and Amanda both don't know what to say. The lantern's light dims, beginning the slow process of dying.) 
AMANDA
(Tiredly.) Oh no…


MICHAEL
(Panicking.) Todd? Todd, it's getting dark! Todd!
TODD
(Getting up.) Don't worry, Mikey, I've got this (Starts rushing around the room.)
MICHAEL
What? No, don't leave me! Ah! (Pain.)
(Michael begins convulsing more violently than before as Todd manically hunts for batteries as the lights slowly go out. Todd enters and exits the room, occasionally making frustrated or despairing, wordless sounds, as Michael convulses and gasps in pain. Amanda kneels next to Michael, ready to do whatever she can, but knowing this is the end. Her face shows a degree of acceptance… For her, a nightmare is dying. As the lights fade to black, the sounds continue for a moment, then all is silent. The room is completely lightless. Following a pregnant silence, a cursing Todd can be heard navigating the room, tripping on things and muttering phrases like, "I got you, Mikey, I got you." There's fumbling, clicking noises as Todd puts batteries in the lantern, and suddenly the room floods with light, much brighter than the lantern's previous output, banishing most shadows. Todd stands up, triumphant.)
TODD
I did it Mikey, the light, I… (He sees Michael's motionless, unbreathing figure.) I… I got you… (He collapses next to Amanda, and they hold each other for a long time, Todd crying, Amanda silent but no less powerfully grieving. Eventually:) I… I don't get it. He came home, sissy. He made it.
AMANDA
He'll always be home. We have an eternal connection. That's why he came back.
TODD
Don't you use your nursey comfort speech on me.
AMANDA
You goob.
TODD
What're we going to do?
AMANDA
Hold me, brother. And we'll wait out the storm.
(They do so, tightly, and the howling wind can be heard louder and louder as the lights dim softer and softer. The lights go out, and for a moment there is only the cutting wind. Then that, too, silences.)

Fin

17.9.14

Literary Hangover - Hit/Red

Hitmen like to hit people. On the surface, it doesn't sound like a terribly difficult job. Of course, I grew up with a rather glamorized view of this dirty profession. I imagined strong men in clean suits doing the dirty work for good people caught in a bad system.
It doesn't work like that in reality. I'm a very, very dirty man, with so much blood on my hands. I've got scars all over my body, and I don't think I've ever worn a suit since my first kill. I hate myself, now.

The man hit her. He drew his fist back, pulling it high into the air, and with a sickening whoosh and a deadened thud flesh met flesh, and she fell back on the floor, leaving a sheet of beautiful scarlet hanging in the air for just a single moment.

I was in the closet, watching the whole thing. My eyes were wide, and I missed nothing. I remember my mom looking like a fountain, or perhaps a geyser, spraying beautiful red water into the air, a delicate mist that painted my kitchen shades of the same color. I cried blue, when the man left, my blue mixing with her red, washing it away. That surprised me. Blue and red is supposed to make another color. But instead, it took it away.

16.9.14

Brain Dump - "I think, therefore I am."

Ever heard of the name Rene Descartes? If so, then you clearly were less deprived than I was until about ten minutes ago. If not, drop everything and hop on wikipedia and look him up, because he is a glorious philosopher.
Or keep reading and discover what limited knowledge I've discovered about him via the officially only interesting reading I've had so far in my Anthro 101 class.
Rene Descartes, 1596 to 1650, after extensive schooling came to the conclusion that everything he was taught throughout the course of his life should be inherently distrusted. He was taught what was commonly accepted as true by everyone at that time... But never given any proof or real reason to believe that any of them were right whatsoever, much like modern schooling. He had no evidence or reason to believe that anything he know about the world was in any way trustable, so, he made the logical conclusion of being skeptical about EVERYTHING that he had ever been taught, and started all preconceived assumptions and knowledge over, from scratch.
That's right, after spending all of his life up until that point learning what other people had discovered, he up and said, "I have no reason to believe that any of you are in any way correct whatsoever, thus I'm starting over. Good day." And then he burnt their books.
Well, I don't know if he actually did that, but I know that I'd have considered it.
After spending a lot of time dwelling on the slippery slope that he couldn't trust his senses, and therefore couldn't trust anything at all that he had learned about the modern world or perhaps ever would learn, and that he couldn't trust the learning of anyone else's senses either, he came ro a remarkable conclusion...
"Holy spit, I'm Thinking."
It may sound simple, but it was an enormous breakthrough. The only thing that Descartes could be sure of was what was in his own head; his thoughts, his feelings, and the mere fact that he could do something as meta as contemplating the act of contemplation going on in his own head.
Now, I'm going to take a brief tangent.
One of my most favorite series of books in known existence is the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. I found the series a difficult but rewarding read, in part because the main character felt like a well-defined ideology embodied in a sexy magic-slinging, sword-swinging, child-saving genius, rather than a human being. However, my perceived purpose of this literary action was a success; I learned a lot about Goodkind's view of human nature, the world, existence in general, and Truth. And I liked the vast majority of it.
Here's something important of note; there is a vast difference between truth and Truth. A truth is something that have reason to believe is correct, not false, in harmony with the actualities of the universe, blah blah blah. I like ice cream. That's a truth. Cookies and cream ice cream is my favorite flavor. That was a truth... but now it isn't. Now it's salted caramel. Lowercase "truth" is finite and flexible, alterable, and just as fuzzy as our general perception of the world in general. Truth, however, is absolute. Eternal. Hopefully indisputable. It is the mother of all independent variables, and regardless of how anything else changes according to our perceptions, Truth remains the same, a pillar of existence.
Or, as Goodkind explained it, "What is is. And upon this Truth all other truth is built."
Gad, that's a beautiful statement. Truth (uppercase) simply is. It is defining. It exists. And while our skewed perceptions can build anything we want to on top of this bedrock foundation, what we build constantly changes and is occasionally is swept away. But the bedrock remains firm.
Back to Descartes. He couldn't trust his perception. He knew that the world was surrounding him with truths, half-truths, and lies which he could never know if he managed to decipher or just leave more tangled. But he did know this Truth; he was thinking. He was aware of his head's innards.
Now, all of Descartes works have been hyper-boiled down into a simple statement that he never actually said; I think, therefore I am. I have reason to believe this a Truth of the universe. Of course, as Descartes understood, my perceptions of reality vary so vastly from what might actually be that I can't be sure if anything around me is real (makes me think of the Matrix; but on another tangent, think of any time that you just felt surreal, as if you were walking through a dream, but you knew you were awake. Or a time where you had a dream so vivid that you thought it was an actual event for a period of time. Can you trust your viewing of the world? Even though your perceptions of what is and isn't at those moments of time are in deep question, the fact that you can still think and be aware are a fundamental Truth, I think), but I can be sure that I can think. (A note on the confusion of this particular paragraph [for which I apologize; this post won't be edited at this point in time]; Descartes did conclude that he may never be able to know the "True Value" of his thoughts, because he still couldn't be sure of anything. But one thing that he could always be sure of was the simple Truth that he was thinking.)
Now, further assertions on Descartes part have been as a general whole rejected by most modern thinkers. For example, Descartes suggested a complete separation between one human's mind and another's, one human's mind and his/her body, and one human's mind and the world. It has been proven (although that proof came through our flawed perception of the world) that humans influence each other's thoughts, our situation in life influences our thoughts, and that we all have subconscious desires and beliefs that we are unaware of. This, depending on the opinion, creates holes in this absolute separation, or else a complete lack of any separation, resulting in every human mind swimming in an endless soup of constant change and no self. The suggestion that we are not us, but just clay eternally molded by happenstance and placement, and perhaps not even the clay that builds us is our own.
In this, I cannot say that Descartes was entirely accurate. But, like other ancient freaks, he had various cores right. Humans are not clay. While some are stronger than others, everyone has an inner Identity (I like to call it a spirit, but different cultures will define it differently) that defines who they are. As our layers of perception build and distort our view into our own selves, or as we simply grow and evolve, change takes place. But we still have a core beneath all the aesthetics that is pure us.
Additionally, Descartes argued that we can never be wrong about the content of our own minds. Meaning, while what we think might be wrong or inaccurate, we cannot deny what is and isn't in our minds, at the bare minimum. Well, to a degree this is proven false with the understanding of the human subconscious, but perhaps we can always be aware of our conscious mind, and slowly gain an understanding of our unconscious. Perhaps. I don't have an enormous amount to say on this one, in part because of points brought up earlier.
Finally, and perhaps most scarily, Descartes argues: if we couldn't be certain of our own thoughts, we would have no foundation upon which to build our knowledge of the world.
Imagine how scary this would be. Not being able to trust your own thoughts. Not being able to trust anything, even the existence or form of the deepest, most private recesses of our conscious. We;d be nothing more than animals. After all, if you can't even trust the thought I am thinking, then what are humans beyond animals?
Perhaps (probably) I'm oversimplifying things or abusing logical fallacies here. Towards the end, to a degree I wasn't even making sense of any of this myself, but this is a brain dump. It also doesn't help that it's very late and I need some sleep.
But I just want to leave with some questions.
What can you trust?
Can human beings trust our perception of the world around us?
Can we trust anything?
What can we trust if we can't trust our own mind?
That's enough for me tonight, I've wandered from the realm of regular rambling to less-than-sane rambling to full-blown "asking questions like some wise man" insanity.

EDIT: Some specification on Descartes theory: his skepticism of everything came from the fact that very little if anything can be known with absolute certainty. There is always reason to doubt, especially given that many things humans have taken as gospel over the course of history have been disproven, and then we all feel so silly looking back at it all. The world isn't flat... what fools. But, as Descarte noted, the only thing we can be absolutely sure of: we can think.
Unless you're one of those theorists that believe the subconscious portion of our brain literally controls our every action, and that the conscious portion of our brain is just a fabrication. Then we really can't be sure of anything.
Or maybe we are and aren't aware of it.

15.9.14

Brain Dump - Big Mistake

The biggest mistake that I ever made in high school was more or less mastering the art of BSing everything.
For anyone that doesn't understand, BSing something is doing as little work as possible, while learning as little as possible, for the highest grade in the class. At least, that's how effective BSing is done.
And let's be honest, it's not particularly difficult to do. This is high school we're talking about. Most answers can be found by skimming over the study guide, or else performing a google search, and I'm not sure teachers even read most students essays. I've known a few teachers that I'm pretty sure gave the same grades to the same students all year long. It was as if she, upon discovering where she expected the student to be, just decided to blow the rest of the year off and keep that student in exactly the same position.
Now, students and teachers can be blamed or the conception and application of this nasty habit, but that's not the point here.
My point is, don't do it.
Fortunately, I did not BS everything, otherwise I doubt I would have made it into college, or survived thus far. However, I can easily predict how badly my poor study habits are going to hurt me in the future.
Learn something.
Anyways, that's my first post ever. For anyone in the peanut gallery chanting "weak!"...
That's what BSing does to a fellow.